Prayers for My Second Husband
I wasn’t a good wife to my first husband.
I was impatient. I nagged. I let small things fester. I refused to try new things and take interest in his hobbies. I focused on the negative and rarely praised the positive. I withheld love and withdrew my affection.
Sure, I had my reasons for all of these things, and I felt justified in doing them. I mean, the things I did pale in comparison to what he did, right?
In my previous article, An Addict’s (Ex) Wife, I outlined how he stole prescriptions that are necessary for me to live a normal life. How he broke into my safe and poisoned me so he wouldn’t get caught. How he falsified police reports to gain access to more drugs.
So, in my mind I was only slightly punishing him for crimes that would have otherwise landed him serious jail time.
The problem is, it wasn’t my place to punish him. God is the ultimate judge and jury. My ex-husband does not answer to me for his wrongdoings. My job as a wife was to pray for him.
And I did pray for him, often. But my prayers were always more selfish than anything. I prayed he would go to rehab. I prayed I would be enough for him to get clean. I prayed that a child would change his life.
I see now that what I should have been praying for was his heart. You see, our marriage was unequally yolked. I came into it a firm believer in Christ with 100% certainty of my salvation. It was clear to me from early on that he had not been raised hearing the Gospel. He didn’t understand what it takes to be saved by the blood.
This was always a concern, but the desires of my flesh took over and I married him anyways. I was young and in love, and I had devoted my entire 20s to this man. Surely, if I married him and bore him children he would see the bigger picture and eventually come to Christ, right?
The funny part is, I pray for my ex-husband now more than I ever did during our marriage. I pray for his heart, his health, his future wife, and his eternal life.
I know now that no amount of punishment I gave him in our marriage could change him. Christ gives us free will to make our own decisions. We’re His children and He weeps when we fall. He wants us to find our way into His church, but he doesn’t force it on us. He loves us unconditionally. I’m a sinner saved by grace; I’m a child of God. But I am no more or less loved than my ex-husband who has yet to find his way to the cross.
I don’t believe in divorce. I never have. I have always said there are only a few instances in which I would leave my husband: substance abuse was #2 on that very short list. I believe what is said in Mark 10:9, “Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.”
However, after months of reflection on my marriage, I don’t think God brought us together, rather the sins of our flesh and the desires of the world did. It was not an anointed union in which Jesus was our center. My own free will went against the desires of my Lord, so I’m thankful he allowed me to get out by checking off my substance abuse requirement.
Since my divorce I’ve been deep in prayer, focusing on my future partner. I’ve found myself returning to the same prayer I used to make as a young girl.
I pray He prepares my heart for a godly man that will lead my family.
I pray He prepares this man’s heart for me and my baggage.
I pray He molds me into the perfect Proverbs 31 woman for this man.
I pray this man is so wrapped up in the word I have to seek Christ even more in order to win his heart.
I pray this man will pray with me and preach to me when I step off the path of righteousness.
I pray He blesses us with children created in His image we can raise to love Jesus.
I pray my next marriage is a testament to Christ’s love for his church, and together, we lead others to the cross.
I pray that I learned from my first marriage so that I can be a much better wife the next time around.
I wasn’t a good wife to my first husband.
But I believe if I continue to remain in the constant state of prayer I’ve been in for the past few months, I can be the wife God intended to my next husband. I hope you’ll all continue to pray for me as well.
