I watched Star Wars V for the First Time
If you haven’t already read it, take a moment to look over my live blog of Episode IV: A New Hope. I’m doing this in the order the movies were released as per the advice of all of my friends.
Okay, you back? Refreshed and ready Episode 5 which-should-be-2-because-apparently-math-doesn’t-work-in-whatever-galaxy-this-whole-thing-takes-place?
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….
37 seconds: I’m already dizzy.
Oh he’s like a little jellyfish drone. Cute.
Motherfucker is riding a dinosaur-kangaroo.
Hunkison Ford is such a dick.
At least he’s loyal to Hamill Hottie. Bros before Hoes.
Damn that Yeti is chowing down. He looks like a sloth in heat.
Ooh shit, this bitch using the Force.
Yeti lost an arm.
Time to go sledding.
Goldie and Roomba are like an old married couple.
Aw Chewy’s crying.
Hottie is seeing the ghost of Benji Wan Kenobi.
Ghost Benji told him to go find Yoda and train to be a Jedi.
Hunkison and his trusty Dinoroo are here to rescue Hottie.
Did he just The Revenant the fuck out of that Dinoroo?!
Why they got a human in a diaper, in a tank?
Oh. Space Drugs.
Hunkison = Toxic Masculinity.
Annnd her tongue is in Hottie’s mouth. I didn’t see that coming.
Yall better GTFO of there.
Zenon Girl of the 21st Century…is that your Space Stay over there, in the top right?
Vader has a sweet fucking set up. Did he steal that chair from The Voice?
Proceed to the rendezvous point.
Ro Sham Bo.
Did Roomba just cat call whistle?
They’re fighting these like giant elephant-looking vehicles. It’s like a tank with legs.
I feel like he probably could have taken that one’s leg out instead of just crashing into the snow.
I do not like the way he pronounces Falcon.
Wait, I didn’t realize that the humans could understand Roomba too.
Hottie is acting shady and Roomba knows it.
Hunkison with a little Art of War maneuver. Okay, I see you.
Hottie done crashed into the Louisiana Bayou. Somebody’s voodoo grandma is gonna be PISSED.
Roomba definitely just farted, and now there’s something chasing him.
Oh he went under, JAWS style.
And spit clear across the swamp.
Vader is bald asf under that helmet. Bro, get some Rogaine.
I really want to punch Hunkison in his smug face.
Okay, it looks like Hottie is setting up camp in the swamp.
Oh this is where Old Yoda lives, okay.
Baby Yoda deserves better living conditions.
Oh my gosh, Old Yoda is so cute! I didn’t even know.
But he sounds like the Cookie Monster.
Don’t you dare insult his home, Hottie! #swampinstyle
I don’t like this couple. Hunkison everything that is wrong with men, and she’s a powerful, badass bitch who can rule a planet and fix a carburetor.
I don’t even know what a carburetor is.
Whatever, I guess that kind of toxicity was sexy in the 80s. I’m glad we’ve evolved.
Okay who the fuck is this holographic devil in the hood? He looks like Jigsaw.
Is Anakin Skywalker Hottie’s dad? They never said his name in the last one.
He will join us or die.
Okay, Ben Franklin.
Old Yoda’s got a little Hobbit house. How cute.
Who you talking to, Old Yoda?
I think it’s Benji.
Live in the moment. — Old Yoda (paraphrased)
Goldie is such a wimp.
What is a Mynock?
Tremors called. They want their monster back.
Hottie’s out here doing Bayou Parkour.
Where are your sleeves, Hottie?
So you’re trying to tell me I need to go into the demonic forest with evil entities stronger than myself, without any weapons? Nah, bruh.
The fuck is Vader doing here? Is Hottie dreaming? Did he eat the magical Swampshrooms?
Why does everyone keep saying Faulkan instead of falcon?
You can’t drop him, he’s 800 years old!
I can’t; it’s too big.
— Said no girl ever.
Size matters not, look at me.
Old Yoda pulled his spaceship out of the swamp like a boss.
She told Goldie to STFU and switched his ass off.
I’m not really sure how this whole seeing the future thing works. He didn’t give a lot of details.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that when boys say:
Don’t worry. It will be fine. I’ve got this under control. Trust me.
Or any other version of that sentiment, things are about to go terribly wrong.
I’m shipping Lando and Hunkison.
That lady Goldie is a feminist. She believes in equal pay for equal robot work.
Uhoh. Something’s not right.
Okay so there is an Emperor; I wonder if that’s Jigsaw? Did they say that in the last one? I just assumed Vader was the leader of the Empire.
The Gringotts goblins are trying to Goldie’s dismembered body into the incinerator.
Whoah. It’s a trap.
Talk about a torture contraption.
They’re gonna freeze Hunkison Captain America style.
One last makeout sesh and a profession of love before he’s dropped in the Cryo tank. Check.
Frozen Hunkison isn’t so hunky anymore.
That bounty hunter looks like the Mandalorian. I haven’t seen the Mandalorian, just the icon with his face on my Disney+ account, and the Baby Yoda memes. But I wonder if that’s an easter egg or just some random dude.
How many people need to tell Hottie not to do this before he listens?
It’s time for Vader’s villain speech. Will he try to bring Hottie to the Dark Side with his cult-leader persuasion skills?
Or maybe they’re just gonna fight. Men and their testosterone.
Blue and red again, I see.
I can’t tell what Lando’s end game is here.
If you stand for nothing, Burr, what will you fall for? — Alexander Hamilton
They were too late to save frozen Hunkison from the Maybe-Mandalorian.
Oh okay, here comes the speech. It just took him a bit to get warmed up.
Cool flip, man.
Deeper into the evil lair we go…
Attention Passengers: We have lost pressure control in the cabin. Please carefully secure your own mask before assisting others.
Lando’s going with them on the Faulkhun, so I guess he jumped ship to join the good guys.
Use your center of gravity, Hottie; he’s like two feet taller than you.
Well, actually…I guess gravity is probably not the same since they're, you know, in space.
Oh shit. Hottie just lost a hand. Thats 4 body parts sliced off so far, if my count is right.
You mean to tell me my whole damn life kids have been saying “Luke, I am your father,” in the Vader voice and that’s not even the correct quote?!
Everything I believed in is a lie.
Vader = Anakin ?
You know, for a scene that has been called one of the biggest reveals/plot twists in cinematic history, I expected more pomp and circumstance, but I also never thought it would come so soon. If you go dropping secret paternities in the second (fifth?) movie, where do you go from here? Hottie becomes a Jedi, goes Hamlet on Vader’s ass, the end.
But then again, since this is episode 5/? I guess it’s entirely possible we’re in the final Act of the storyline and don’t even know it yet. I know there are several movies, not just the obvious six, but I don’t know if some are spin-offs like this Mandalorian business or if they stay within the non-chronological hero’s journey of our beloved Hamill Hottie.
I have so many questions keeping me up at night.
Moving right along, and we’re base jumping into the abyss.
Cool. Cool. Cool.
What now, genius?
Oh he’s upside down; I bet that triggers him to do some witchy shit.
So, now we can hear each other’s thoughts?
Seriously, this Falcon is a POS.
That new nazi is shitting his pants right now.
Space Drugs = New Hand
Lando & Chewie are taking the POS to rescue Frozen Hunkison.