I Watched Star Wars IV for the First Time
I am a middle class, 28-year-old, educated woman, and I have never seen Star Wars.
Get your gasps out now, please.
I take that back, one time we watched one of them in our 7th grade science class with Coach Jones, but all I remember about it is Yoda and the little furry, teddy-bear looking creatures.
I also have a strong need to watch things in order without long breaks because I’m self-diagnosed OCD and my memory sucks. I’m lucky that both Netflix and binge-watching as a concept were developed during my lifetime.
I have committed to 3 years of Disney+, so I’ve been asking everyone I know whether I should watch Star Wars in chronological order or in the order they were released. All but one person said I should watch them the way they came out. He shall remain nameless.
So, here we go. I’m watching Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope for the first time and live writing my thoughts and reactions.
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away….
I would have put a comma between the phrases: a long time ago and in a galaxy. But that’s just my personal stylized opinion. I won’t let this negatively impact my mood moving forward.
Oh shit, this text makes me feel cross-eyed.
Uh oh. DEATH STAR is in all caps. They mean business.
Okay, this Leia bitch sounds like a badass.
Hold on, I need a drink so I can pour a little out for my girl.
Okay, I’m back. I just added a little Rumchata to my coffee.
RIP Carrie Fisher
And we’re off.
Okay, let’s take inventory. We’ve got two bipedal, talking robots, one little robot dude, and a group of guys who look like soldiers with sweet ass helmets.
I know this army in white . They’re called Storm Troopers, but I don’t know if they’re good guys or bad guys.
Calling it now, I’m rooting for the robots. Humans are the worst.
Four and a half minutes in. First sighting of Darth Vader.
So they’re definitely bad guys, then.
Cool utility belt, bro.
The robots found Princess Leia.
I’m thinking the gold robot and the little white one are gonna be the comedic relief frienemies. It’s kind of cute how we only know what the little one says when the gold one interprets. I wonder, they obviously have personalities, but do they have humanity at all? Are they man or machine, do they have souls? Damn this is getting deeper than I anticipated; I’m going to press play now.
It looks like they’re crawling into a trash compactor, but I guess it’s some sort of life boat/escape hatch thing.
Hold your fire. There’s no life-forms.
Well, that answers my question.
How do robots walk on sand?
The little one sounds like my Roomba.
Goldie walks like he’s got a stick up his ass.
I should google their names.
Goldie = C-3PO
Roomba = R2-D2
I’ve heard those names before, so now it all makes sense.
Ooohh we have little sand demons with hoods and glowing eyes.
Roomba is down for the count.
What are they gonna do, roast him over the fire like a stuck pig?
They’re loading him on to some sort of tank filled with other robots, one of which looks alarmingly like WALL-E and another that looks like a McDonald’s trashcan from the 90s. Oh, Goldie is here too.
What in the unholy fuck is that Storm Trooper doing riding a Slugasaurus through the Sahara?
This is what nightmares are made of.
There’s the robo-tank and the sand-demons.
Hello Hamill Hottie.
It’s like a little village with igloo-shaped huts in the sand. I think the Sand Demons are here to sell our beloved robot duo on the black market robo-slave trade.
Except Goldie seems very eager to be bought, so maybe machines can’t be slaves because they were built to help humanity…okay I’m getting philisophocial again. I have to stop personifying inanimate objects.
My Roomba’s name is Stephen, by the way.
Aunt and Uncle just gave each other the look across the table. They definitely know something about these Obi-Wan/Ben Kenobi fellas, but they’re not letting on.
What the fuck is that thick, blue fluid they’re drinking?
Let the boy go to college!
Luke’s just not much of a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father in him.
Okay, so this “Luke, I am your father.” business I’ve heard all my life is dinging a bell.
*In the style of Two Chains:
Roomba ran away, and Hottie just referred to them as Sand People, but I like Sand Demons better.
Wooly Mammoth with a fucked up face? Check.
This guy looks like Rafiki with his staff and Monkey-Martial Arts moves.
Holy shit, Hottie is like, so tan.
I mean, his neck looks crispy.
Found Obi-Wan/Ben Kanobi. Let’s just call him Benji.
Goldie’s left arm has been amputated. He’s being a bit dramatic about it.
Clone Wars…there’s another term I recognize.
Goldie just PTFO. And Benji gave Hottie a lightsaber.
Okay, so it sounds like The Force is a sort of energy field that comes from all living things. Humans, animals, plants, (not machines)…elemental, universal forces. So, the Jedis are basically witches. But since they’re men I doubt they’ll be drown and burned at the stake. Instead, they’ll be regarded as warriors and leaders, as is life.
Update: the plans to destroy the DEATH STAR they mentioned in the opening text are encoded into Roomba and Leia wants Benji to take Roomba to her dad on another planet so Dad can get the plans and fulfill the mission. I think Leia & Dad are leaders in this Rebellion they keep mentioning. I’m not sure what we’re rebelling against, though.
Benji wants Hamill Hottie to go with and taking his fancy new weapon.
These motherfuckers look like a bunch of nazi-ass Supervillians sitting around their black table of doom. I’m imagining each of them have a cat in their lap they’re slowly petting under the table. That sounds a lot dirtier than I meant it.
I hate your cheekbones. GTFO of here with those. You look like one of the assholes who refused to evacuate Chernobyl after the explosion.
Oh Vader’s choking out Trump with his mind after he called him a sorcerer.
Somebody wiped out, Hottie’s igloo village.
Holy shit! There are burned corpses crawling out of the house.
That looks like a torture robot if I’ve ever seen one.
What are these creatures? Their bodies are a cross between a T-Rex and a kangaroo. But they have mouse heads with ram horns, and they’re the size of feret.
This village looks like Jereusalem in those bible school movies from the 80s.
Except with more dinosaurs and fewer donkeys.
Oh Benji’s controlling that Storm Trooper’s mind.
Weak-minded is my new favorite insult.
Goldie’s got a donk on him. Look at that ass!
We’re in some intergalactic hookah bar with all sorts of creatures, my favorites of which look like a giant ball sack.
Hey, there’s Chewy! I know him!
I hope whatever that bartender just served him is better than the blue liquid from his Aunt’s house. RIP.
Oh look, this one has a ball sack for a chin. Did they model all of these aliens after human genitalia?
He severed that arm like it was butter!
I know Jabba the Hut too. He was in a song we sang in elementary music class.
Ugh, Cheekbones and Trump are back.
The Storm Troopers are going door to door through Jerusalem like Passover.
This guy legitimately has a giant black dildo for a nose. I’m not even joking.
I got it, Hunkison Ford’s character is Johnny Depp in Blow.
So, that makes Jabba, Pablo Escobar or El Chapo or whoever.
I’m serious, he has a dick hanging off his face.
Think plague doctor mask meets eggplant emoji.
Enter Leia looking like a snack and chewing out Cheekbones probably because he still hasn’t learned how to contour.
This asshole just blew up her whole ass planet right in front of her face.
Sweet helmet, Hottie.
We’re about to crash into the DEATH STAR.
You can’t win, but there are alternatives to fighting.
That feels pretty powerful, doesn’t it?
Aww, Hunkison petted Chewy when he was scared.
Roomba plugged into that motherfucker so fast, it’s like he’s been using USB ports his whole life. I’ve been using them most of mine and I never get it right the first time.
Good idea, they’re just gonna walk about the DEATH STAR like they fucking own the place. Do you know how many times I’ve snuck into VIP at concerts with that strategy?
Man, Hottie looks tiny in that Storm Trooper outfit.
Ooh this guy has the best helmet so far. He looks like the Flying Nun.
Cheekbones just called the Jedi a religion. Further proof they’re either in a coven or a cult.
There’s a fucking swamp monster in the dumpster juice.
Hamill Hottie is drowning in sludge.
They’re fighting off the Swamp Ness Monster.
Annnnd now they’re about to be trash compacted for real this time.
“Get on top,” says Hunkison Ford.
Robots save the day again. #BlackMirror
Excuse me, Hunkison. I will not tolerate that type of anti-feminist, sexist, propaganda out of that pretty little mouth of yours.
Okay, we’re in a shootout in some sort of like elevator shaft thing. This one Storm Trooper just fucking bails and jumps to his death.
Oh Hottie just gonna Indiana Jones it across this motherfucker, huh? Ironic.
We’re about to have our big one-on-one fight scene.
Blue and red lasers, how symbolic.
If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you could imagine.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Everybody’s here to watch the show now. I hope they brought their popcorn.
Oh shit! Why did he just bow out like that and then disafuckingpear.
At least everybody escaped.
Did we know Roomba came with a built in fire extinguisher? That’s handy.
More sweet ass helmets, right on schedule.
Homeboy just called her Leah. Do you know who this bitch is?! Fucking Princess of some planet that no longer exists. Have some GD respect.
Okay, you have to hit a 6-foot target on a space station/ship/thingy that is larger than the moon? This must be how men imagine the clit.
Hunkison is dipping out with enough money to pay off El Chapo for the space-grade Columbian cocaine he had to dump in the sea.
Hottie is hearing voices.
Vader’s out in his own little pod fighting. At least he’s not a little bitch villian who sits up in his tower stroking his cat.
Cat. I said cat.
I’m sure these radio commands mean something, but I’ve never seen Top Gun either, so.
Negative, it didn’t go in.
Where have I heard that before?
Okay, so Roomba is like a little robot-mechanic for space ships?
He’s hearing voices again. What if this wasn’t Sci-Fi, but Psy-Fi and it’s all about Hottie’s slow spiral into insanity?
Well what do you know, Hottie found the clitoris.
And the Universe shook. There were explosions and fireworks.
Vader’s off in a tailspin somewhere.
Roomba looks like he tried to vacuum up a frayed powercord.
Fucking nice yellow leather jacket.
Leia’s looking flawless in her updo, per usual.
Hunkison winked at her. Figures, most of the sexist guys I know are charming af.
They all got medals like Joe Biden.