It’s been about two and a half years since my divorce was finalized, and I’ve been single for basically all of that time. So, I’ve spent a lot of time on various dating apps: Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Ship, Match, POF…you name it, I’ve probably at least looked into it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m perfectly happy by myself. I in no way feel like I need a man, but I’m open to finding love again, and I still have a very strong desire to be mom. Unfortunately, that biologically requires a male participate in at least some capacity.
I was with the same man since 2011, so online dating has been a whole new ballgame for me. But during my time on the apps, I’ve made a lot of observations. And guys, I hate to break it to you, but you have GOT to step up your game. Without further ado, here are 40 thoughts I’ve had, or things I was too nice to say while swiping.
1. You’re a grown ass man; why are you using your high school senior portraits?
2. If you wear a hat in every picture, I get the impression you’re not only prematurely balding, but also and lacking confidence in your newfound hairlessness.
3. Why are there so many pictures of your car?! I don’t care what you drive…especially when it’s a 1999 Dodge Neon.
4. So, they’re all selfies but you’re not smiling in any of them? You got a jacked-up grill, don’t you? How bad is it? Like you just never had braces as a teenager, or they’re rotted out from meth use? If you don’t show me, I’m going to pretend it’s all gums in there.
5. Okay, nobody under the age of 45 should have a goatee. You look like a pedophile.
6. Same goes for a non-ironic mustache.
7. Get out of here with your patchy, pre-pubescent beard.
8. You know what, let’s just make a generalized facial hair rule: ALL or NOTHING. The end.
9. Shirtless bathroom selfie…shirtless gym selfie…shirtless lake selfie. Does this guy own clothes? Can I take him out in public anywhere besides a pool?
10. There are kids in your photos, but you don’t specify if they’re yours or not. Whyyyy??
11. Why do you have nothing but group pics? I don’t know which one you are.
12. Wearing sunglasses indoors is a bold choice. Do you think you’re ugly? Are you hiding your drug eyes? Are you just too cool for school? I need answers. Either way, I have no clue what you look like.
13. Oh my gosh. It’s a boomerang of you hitting a bong. I’ve never been more turned on in my life. Please let me have your illegitimate babies that you won’t be able to financially support since you openly share your drug use online.
14. Oh fuck, that’s a penis. Did NOT sign up for that.
15. No offense, but if you’re 27, I’m Margot Robbie.
16. Oh boy. Is that….a barbed wire tattoo on your bicep? How original.
17. They’re literally all blurry as fuck. It’s 2019; we have phenomenal cameras in our hands 24/7. How on earth? You know what, I don’t even want to know.
18. Is that your girlfriend? Your sister? Mom? Best female friend? Help me out here.
19. But…it’s all just photos of random shit. There are not even people in them. You DO know this is a dating app, right?
20. You live like that?! Bro! Look in the background of your photos. Your house is disgusting. Go buy a fucking bed frame.
21. Well, at least your dog’s cute.
22. Oh wait, it says that’s not your dog. Well, shit.
23. No fat chicks, you say? How endearing.
24. “I hope you like bad boys, cause I’m bad at everything,” says literally every third guy I swipe on.
25. “MY DAUGHTER IS THE NUMBER ONE GIRL IN MY LIFE AND YOU WILL NEVER BE AS IMPORTANT TO ME AS SHE IS IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE THAT THEN MOVE ALONG!!!” What in the run-sentence?? I’m not trying to be a stepmom anyway, but simmer down with the aggression.
26. Nothing? Not one single word? You didn’t even fill out the click portion? I have no choice but to assume you’re the world’s laziest human being. No thanks.
27. For the love of Cupid, is there, their, they’re really THAT difficult to master?!
28. Okay, so let me get this one straight…it SAYS you have a graduate degree, but you can’t spell or use proper grammar and punctuation? Somebody’s lying. Graduate degree does not equal graduated high school. Surely you know that, right?
29. It’s just a line of 20 emojis. Am I supposed to try to decipher what that means? Cause let’s face it, I’m not gonna.
30. “Swipe right for photos, I have a public job, so I don’t want anyone to know I’m on here.” Okay, I don’t buy that for a single second. Just look at what’s been made public about the Cheeto in Chief’s affairs (pun intended). No job cares if you have a dating profile. Unless you’re a married pastor or something, which wouldn’t surprise me at this point. LEFT.
31. Must be discrete? I’m about as discrete as a drag queen at the sTrAiGhT pRiDe PaRaDe.
32. “LOL I’m not actually 25. Idk how to change it.” Well…how old ARE you???
33. “Skewl of Hard Knocks” Just get the fuck out of here.
34. “Entrepreneur at None of Your Business” Okay, so you’re unemployed. Cool. At least your spelled entrepreneur correctly.
35. “In town for a wedding this weekend. I splurged for a suite, come hang out and hook up.” I’m genuinely curious, does this ever work for anyone? I don’t believe in victim shaming, but I’ve watched enough Criminal Minds to know that’s the beginning of a bloody crime scene.
36. “hi” Two letters. No period. No emoji. Not even a fucking capital H. Excuse me while I pull myself together after being blown away by all the effort you put into that one.
37. “Hey Sexy.” Well that one really swept me off my feet.
38. “Wanna come over?” Who said chivalry is dead?
39. “How big are they?” How big are my feet when I kick you in the balls, you degenerate fuck?
40. “Can I ask you a question?” This never ends well. In your Neanderthal brain if I say yes, I have then given you consent to degrade me and ask me anything no matter how wildly inappropriate or disgustingly personal it is. If I say no, you will either:
A) Play innocent with some excuse like, “I was just going to ask what kind of dog that is! Geez, pessimist much?!”
B) Double down on your bad behavior and ask whatever sexual inquiry you were going to ask all along, but now without my consent.
Just to wrap up, you’re all grown, adult men, so I shouldn’t have to say this, but here I am…If I say I’m not interested, bow out gracefully. Be a gentleman.
No means no.
Even in text messages.
And PLEASE, for the love of God, NEVER send unsolicited photos of your genitals.
It is blatant sexual harassment, and in my opinion, it’s a form of sexual abuse. If you pull your junk out in public and show unsuspecting victims, you will get arrested and put on a sex offender list. How is sending it to my phone without my permission any different?